Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Geez man, take it easy.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.