-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
You Might Also Like
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
stop
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My beach vacation Google searches
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes