[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother