Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we鈥檙e wearing the same dress.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I鈥檝e reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 馃槀馃槱馃敟
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I鈥檓 in prison.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren鈥檛 nearly as fortunate.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
This meal prepping shit easy
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I鈥檝e got little arms
doctor: get out
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I鈥檓 grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you