“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
You Might Also Like
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Real House Wines.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.