Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work