If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew