ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.