DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
From Facebook just now…
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.