I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.