ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
it is time once again
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’