Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
You Might Also Like
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: