Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
As the Lord intended
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.