I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Dune (2021)
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.