When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.