Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’ve been drinking.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse