when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.