I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar