Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
You Might Also Like
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
how was your vacation
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.