[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
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I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.