ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
You Might Also Like
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America