“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
You Might Also Like
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD