If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
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HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Dance like you’re not the father
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.