[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Getting married soon just need a spouse
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot