The Backseat Boys
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Me trying to look natural in photos
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.