Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
You Might Also Like
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
3% human
97% stress
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich