Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]