A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections