This kid is a star!
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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*