“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
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By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You deplete me
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.