Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*