Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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Happy Febuary everyone!
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
What do you hear?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.