My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
You Might Also Like
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.