The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Just ordered me some pizza!
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My biological clock is wheezing.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *