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day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors