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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Everything reminds me of my ex
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves