Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!