One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
White Castle for the Win
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.