Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Genius idea!!
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.