texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Jesus Christ lmao
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face