Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…