“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Born to be mild.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.