*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Barbie gone wild
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Good morning
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married