A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
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We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*