I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
A classic…
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I came this close!!!!
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.