Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
another case of gang violins
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Mission: Impossible
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same