Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed