Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie