Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume