Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.